In-between Grace & Rage

in between being and becoming

Getting myself out the trenches has been so draining.

Being the one who chooses light—while surrounded by people devoted to their darkness—is exhausting.
You're facing your own fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs... while also pushing through other people’s outdated assumptions, projections, and demons.

Believing in something greater, being ambitious—it’s beautiful.
But it’s also heavy.

Because most of it is becoming, not being.
Not yet living. Just reaching.

You keep daydreaming about “that one day”—
When you’ll finally leave your toxic home.
When you’ll move abroad.
When you’ll have your own space.
When you’ll find the right job, the right partner, the right version of yourself.

But never the version you are right now.

And the truth is…
No matter what you achieve, there’s always somewhere else you could be.
Something more you could do.
Someone better you could become.
Or worse, someone you could’ve been.

And in that space, you can get stuck.

You feel guilty for not being happy, even though you “should” be.
Still unsatisfied.
Still restless.
Still unfulfilled.

So many of us live there.
In that liminal place between surviving and thriving.

Between gratitude and grief.
Between doing and just… being.

Because we were taught to define ourselves by what we do.
Not who we are.

Whether it’s building a family or a multinational company—
It’s always been about the outcome.
The title. The product. The win.

But I’ve been learning to come back to myself.

Sometimes, I say it out loud:
I’m a child of God.
An angel, if I dare.

I’m not here to force. I’m an expression of what’s possible.
A sum of every memory, experience, feeling, thought, sensation, heartbreak and prayer.

There are infinite versions of this life I could have lived.

There are  so many places where I could be right now

So many parents, siblings, friends, partners I could’ve have met but
These are my people.

Infinite names I could have had.

But I’m Alawiya Löah Salik.

This is my lifetime.

And now that I’ve built a life where I have full authority over my time, my voice, my body, where I go and what I do, because I chose me.
I can look back with clarity, and see how even my worsts days on earth, the nightmares I went through, the demons I met, were blessings.

All part of the sharpening.

It doesn’t mean I don’t carry anger towards certain circumstances and people I had to survive from.

Fuck them & I don’t wish them well. 
yes—I carry rage.
I don’t forgive everyone.
Some people don’t deserve softness.

Now that I’m big enough, that I’ve had the time to cultivate and call my energy back, I’m strong enough.
Strong enough to give myself what I want, what I need.
Strong enough to protect what I love.
Strong enough to keep choosing me.

And eventually, you’ll get there too.

You might wish you were further ahead.
You might fear that you’re too far behind.

But I promise you:

There’s no better place.
There’s no worse place.
There’s no other place where you’re supposed to be.